JESUS LIZARD- DOWN (1994)

This album is noisy and sloppy. The vocals are Pentecostal, incoherent and probably shitty. I don’t know because I haven’t heard it since maybe ’95. That said, I did listen to it quite a bit. Especially after I saw the group at Lollapalooza that year in Cincinnati. Cypress Hill, Hole, Beck, Sonic Youth, and Pavement were on the main stage that year as well. During their performance, singer David Yow dropped his britches and spread his ass cheeks and stretched his nutsack in a certainly illegal way. Though it would wait until after the show, he would spend the night in jail. As would Courtney Love, who also showed some cheeks during her band’s performance. This was at a strange and horny time in my teens when I was so desperate for some ass, even she gave me a boner. True story. When I was in college I had the pleasant experience of learning that a favorite Yow couplet, “With farting tongue pressed tightly to his teeth/ He blew his bugle of an asshole” comes from Dante. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it took me a long time to come to come to terms with this mindblowing (assblowing) fact.

DAFTPUNK- HOMEWORK (1997)

Ever spend four straight hours huffing and rhythmically repeating one phrase: “Around the world”? I’ve done it more than once. And, yes, I did inhale.

NIRVANA- NEVERMIND  (1991)

This one is so obvious I almost didn’t include it. But it did play an important role in my recreation time. I was just entering junior high when this one was new. I was twelve and really didn’t know shit about music. To demonstrate this point, I should mention that I almost boughtTotally Crossed Out the day I got this. It was a tossup in my mind. Who knows what might’ve become of me? Still, I stand by my decision.

MC HAMMER- PLEASE HAMMER DON’T HURT ‘EM  (1990)

My first favorite artist. Hammer brilliantly resuscitated the music of Prince, Rick James, P-Funk and many other soul, funk and R&B artists with a certain memorable flair and truly unique showmanship. He kind of lost me when he did the “Pumps N a Bump” video in a male g-string. Oh, yes. It really happened. But I loved Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em so much that not only did I buy its follow-up Too Legit to Quit on the day it came out, but I also went back and bought Let’s Get it Started, the previous album. I then pretended to have been a fan since before “U Can’t Touch This”. When all the alternative bands started to blowup a few years later, this kind of I-was-there-first bullshittery would help me stake my claim to regal indie status. (see below)

WEEZER- THE BLUE ALBUM (1994)

I think I first saw “Undone (the Sweater Song)” by Weezer on 120 Minutes. Remember that show? No you don’t. Anyhow, I was getting my ass kicked pretty much everyday at school and when I saw this band, it really gave me comfort. Musicians are usually natural outcasts, but these guys looked like me. Really shy and dorky. They were the first band that I saw that was just nerdy looking in a completely unstylized way. I went nuts over the album and went to see their show in Cincinnati. There was a decent, but not huge, crowd of people who looked more or less like them. Shortly thereafter the wildly popular video for “Buddy Holly” came out. I saw them in concert in Columbus, just a few months later and was greeted by a swarming mass of jocks. It was just like school. And I got my ass kicked. But thanks to the popularity of Weezer and bands like them, being a loser actually became very hip. It’s cool now. You don’t get your ass kicked in school for being a dork anymore. In fact, if you can be ironic and witty enough about it, you can actually get pussy. Which changes the whole high school dynamic. I feel like a World War II veteran whenever I meet a young dork: “I got stuffed into those lockers so you wouldn’t have to.”

THE CLASH- SANDINISTA! (1980)

There’s so much wiggy shit on this album that people forget how brilliant the good stuff is. The Clash were so insistent with their record company CBS that their fans get their albums at a reasonable price that they released both their previous double album London Calling and this triple album each for the price of a single one. Of course, they got carried away and wrote too many songs. Some people call this one of the worst albums of all time, but there are 36 tracks. So drop about a third of them and you’ve got 24 classic jams. Rap, folk, rock, skiffle, reggae, pop, punk, jazz and- yep- gospel. There would not be a more eclectic, weird and brilliantly bold album until Beck.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN- NEBRASKA (1982)

Folk music does not have to be overtly political. Here is an album which isolates the Boss with nothing but a guitar and a Charlie Starkweather inspired storyline. As with all of Springsteen’s best work, social themes emerge even among the most simple and plain lyrics. Metaphors that don’t seem to be metaphors. But the best stuff here is the grim stuff. “Across the Badlands of Wyoming/I killed everything in my path.” Chilling.

ELLIOTT SMITH- EITHER/OR (1997)

Here’s how gloriously depressing Elliott Smith’s music is: The day that Smith’s death was reported in the press, a friend of mine, having a shitty day of his own invited me to the bar. “I’m going to ‘Elliott Smith’ myself,” he said. Being familiar with the extremely somber, and depressing  Either/Or album, I took his jibe as a joke about both his own temperament and the melancholic humor of Smith’s music. I chuckled and we moved on. I didn’t understand what his quip was really about until I learned of Smith’s suicide two days later.

RADIOHEAD- OK COMPUTER (1997)

Probably, of all the albums on this list, this one requires the least explanation.

ELVIS COSTELLO AND THE ATTRACTIONS- GET HAPPY!! (1980)

When my high school sweetheart called to tell me she’d found someone else, I was so upset that I couldn’t help but add to my own humiliation and find her new dude’s phone number right after she finally hung up on me. I can’t believe I actually called him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, a close friend took me to the mall that same day to cheer me up and get me out of the house. Guess who we saw holding hands? When I got home I broke some shit, cried and put on this album. As I would for future breakups. Never before or since has such upbeat music been stretched across such depressing lyrics of heartbreak and bitterness. This is unquestionably my favorite album of all time. How many albums can you say that about?

POP WILL EAT ITSELF- DOS DEDOS MIS AMIGOS (1994)

Englishmen rapping over top of punky, electronic beats about social issues and consumer culture. I still can’t figure out why these guys didn’t catch on.

RANCID- …AND OUT COME THE WOLVES (1995)

People put Rancid down because they sound like the Clash. They do. But I like the Clash. The lyrics are the exact mix of Springsteen and the Clash. Original? Who the fuck cares? The fact is, Rancid put out some of the best most fun most basic rock of the past fifteen years. I see them as taking up the mantle of early fast rock and roll, Chuck Berry style. There are no bad Rancid songs. It’s true.

MICHAEL JACKSON- THRILLER (1982)

Seeing Michael Jackson in the makeup for the “Thriller” video at four-years-old was as traumatic for me as it was, years later, for my own four-year-old to see him without makeup. It’s difficult to explain, though, to the younger generation that Michael Jackson was an entertainment god before he was a freak. There is no modern equivalent. Not even a six-dicked Justin Timberlake could compare. I remember seeing concert footage of authorities literally hosing-down mostly female audiences to keep the young girls from fainting at the mere sight of him. This album has so many familiar hits that you could easily lose perspective on its brilliance. I picked it up again a few years back and listened to it all together. Mind-boggling. Man… what the hell happened to this guy?

THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT- LIQUOR IN THE FRONT (1994)

One of the hardest drinking, hardest partying records of all time. Like the Stray Cats on a cocaine, sex and rum bender. Rock and roll on the original model. Incredible chops. Catchy tunes. Classic bad attitude. Delightfully vulgar. And funny as hell. If you see this album, buy it.