The Three

There are three questions you should ask when interpreting global warming data:

*1- Is the planet getting warmer?

*2- If yes:

            Is it because of human activity?

      If no:

            You can stop here and set some shit on fire. (see figure below)

*3- If it is getting warmer because of us, what is an appropriate response?

*1-       The earth, as close as can be measured, has warmed about 0.7° over the past hundred years. Maybe that’s why we froze our fucking asses off all winter in Ohio. Around here, the promise of global warming is tantalizing. Just imagine how they feel about it in Siberia. The earth is warming and thank God. Not everyone shares this sentiment. Anyhow, the answer to question one is yes.

*2-

Well, Steve, at least somewhat. Fossil fuel burning and CO₂   in the atmosphere are on the rise in the period of time being scrutinized, basically the industrialisation of latter half of the twentieth-century. The effect of this output is a general, but extremely unpredictable, warming of the earth’s temperature.

*3-       Ah, yes, inevitably we make it to question 3, the (most?) funnest of the triad. How much should we freak? Let’s go in depth on these questions, this last one in particular.

The Conscientious Freak-Out

            According to certain media figures, we can expect rapid changes in climate immediately.

            A chorus of Hollywood types urge the call to panic forward. Ed Begley Jr. uses energy generated by an exercise bike to run his toaster. We’re not kidding. Cate Blanchett has a shower timer that goes off after two minutes. Crazy. But still good enough for us. Daryl Hannah sat in a fucking tree for a long time. Leo Dicaprio made a movie like Al Gore’s. He would later, at the Academy Awards, go on to engage in some of the most shameless throne-sniffing ever seen. Even at an awards show.

Edward Norton is a genius in his films but a moron in real life. He helped install solar panels on some poor peoples’ homes. What about the poor people who don’t have a millionaire to help them with the prohibitively high cost that this requires? Also, poor people have real problems and probably don’t care about a century-long temperature change that is less than what one would experience maybe two or three times in the course of an hour on any given day. Offer them a couple of months’ free rent instead and we’ll bet nary a single one would lament the loss of the panels. These celebrities are not scientists. They’re idiots not leaders. And Al Gore still puts us to sleep.

Strange Parallels

          As alluded to by the earlier hilarious photo, there are some interesting corollaries to our Iraqi adventure. There is no wiggle room for disagreement. Even professional rhetoritician Rush Limbaugh would only go so far as to say we should begin to “question the patriotism” of those who don’t think of Iraq as a worthy repository for our young mens’ blood, guts and souls. But check out Robert Kennedy Jr. saying that non-eco-friendly companies are guilty of “treason” and are “traitors.” When afraid of being confronted about their attempts to silence the debate, the discourse rapidly changes rationale. Saddam was loosely tied to the events of September 11^th, 2001. It was easy to exploit Americans’ ignorance of the Arabic world. It made sense. But the public was not as gung-ho as they should have been yet. “He wants WMD’s”. Still no? “He has WMD’s… almost.” “It’s either fight them there or fight them here.” Somehow that last one really caught on. Well, at least we can all sleep soundly tonight knowing that the Iraqi tanks will not roll through the Heartland. “This is the man who tried to kill my father.” Huh? Finally it added up. Some of the arguments began to work. Then Colin Powell sold us out at the U.N. and that was that.

It started to be realized that if you didn’t support the war, you hated America. Thank God this is a two party system and we had the Democrats to really lend credence those completely stupid arguments. They voted overwhelmingly to do so. “Dissent is Patriotic,” cried the bumper stickers. Yet, the Democrats just hated that kind of divisive politics.

            Then again, they would get their turn. “Maybe you don’t care about polar bears, so how about sea level?”

“Still not scared? Maybe we can scare you about the glaciers.”

Or perhaps you thought the Republicans had the market cornered on cynical, intentional misrepresentation. Not by fucking half. The fear-mongering craze is sweeping the nation and it is beloved by politicians of all stripes. It is, frankly, a useful tool to gain attention for your pet agenda.

It’s the Money, Asshole

            Just like the war, the outrageous monetary cost is irrelevant to the enlightened (a word which here means moron). We’re talking trillions of dollars in both cases. And, like it or not, for that kind of money, you begin to encounter human costs as well. Much of the boost in carbon emissions over the coming decades are expected to come from the developing countries of India and China. In these countries, people are mostly broke as fuck. And as the countries are expected to be experiencing outrageous growth and a chance for a fraction of the prosperity we in America are ballin’ enough to take for granted, we are telling them to slow it down. Cut back on production? Invest in expensive, unproven green technologies? Continue to eat bugs and dirt three meals a day? What? This will likely be a hard sell. The fact is, people may experience hardship, death and tragedy with climate change. But over what period of time? Certainly more than anyone’s individual lifetime and probably more like hundreds or thousands of years. And what about the heat? Isn’t it hot as hell in places like Africa already? Yes, but people in the most empoverished parts of Africa don’t die of heat. No one anywhere dies of heat. They die of poverty. Because they don’t have proper shelter, freon powered a.c. or food to keep their bodies strong. More people die of the cold the world over than heat, anyhow. Bring on the burn. We’ll be out back throwing another tire on the fire.

Tune in next time to the second part of our compelling story:

Planet on Fire (part II) Consensus, Science, the IPCC and More Flaming Pics