Election Recap

The media enjoys reducing every election, no matter how fascinating, to a simple horserace and this is a disservice to the voter. As a result few people are able to pick up the subtlety and nuances of the political machine in action. For those people who are unable to think for themselves and need the media to spoon-feed them in order to understand even the simplest of concepts we have this comprehensive recap of how much your ignorance has already screwed up the country.

This race will end in a bloody slugfest between the Republican nominee who is for the war in Iraq and the Democratic nominee who is best able to pretend to be against the war in Iraq. We will start with the Democrats who if they really wanted to end the war might have actually done something these past two years in which they had a majority in both the house and the senate. Since the words Democrat and accomplishment are almost never used in the same sentence perhaps we can forgive them for giving Bush money eveytime he asked nicely but when we look at the candidates it seems the ones who are least likely to actually stop the war have had the most success.

There was a long list of candidates who immediately proved irrelevant, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Chris Dowd, Ed Begley Jr., Michael McDonald despite his list of smooth, light rock hits but nobody elevated being irrelevant to an art form quite like Dennis Kucinich.

Kucinich is a congressman from Ohio's 10th district, a hard working district known for its industry of creating E. L. Fudge and delicious crackers. His views were the furthest left of any of the Democratic nominees which immediately meant that his chances of success were somewhere between zero and dick. Authentic liberals are about as rare as unicorns in the United States, despite what Rush Limbaugh thinks. The guy might as well spend a whole radio show talking about the dangers of werewolves.

Still, Kucinich made a valiant attempt at running for President always accompanied by Viggo Mortenson best known for starring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and his wife Elizabeth best known for starring in the sexual fantasies of men everywhere.

The former led to that embarrassing moment when a confused fan asked Kucinich what hobbit he played. The latter led to a congruence of opinion that was even rarer than Republicans and Democrats being in agreement. Both my brain and penis joined forces in hating him, the first times these seemingly opposite forces had agreed on anything in years.

Lasting somewhat longer in the race was former David Cassidy impersonator and former senator John Edwards, seen here doing his fabulous rendition of 'I Think I love You'.

Edwards voted for the war but had the good sense to apologize for it. He also had an actual exit strategy unlike every other candidate. The Democratic voters would not stand for this. Watching the Edwards campaign was like a Frank Capra film but they wanted something more edgy. You know, like 'Head of State.'

Or at least another Clinton soap opera. So Johnny had to go. That left us with two.

So the Democratic front runner was a woman who voted for the war, refused to apologize for it, cries when she loses Iowa but not for the kids coming home in body bags, voted against a ban on cluster bombs which kill civilians (even children) and this is the fucking antiwar party?

But Obama couldn't be counted out. He nipped at her heels the whole way and when he started getting too close she "insulted" him by making comparisons to Martin Luther King (?) and saying that the civil rights act would have gone nowhere without Lyndon Johnson. Here is an excerpt from the follow-up interview any reporter with guts would have had with Clinton if they actually existed.

Q: Didn't you campaign against LBJ?

A: Well, when I was in college.

Q: Back when you were a Republican?

A: That was a long time ago.

Q: And who did you campaign for?

A: (long pause) Barry Goldwater.

Q: So you campaigned against civil rights.

A: Hold on....

Q: Well, you said Johnson was instrumental to the movement so you're saying that if Goldwater was president it might not have been signed.

A: Well, nobody can know that.

Q: And what about Goldwater's views on the Vietnam War. He wanted to unleash the full fury of the U. S. military. Have you ever taken an antiwar stance on anything?

This is the point where Senator Clinton would have kicked me in the balls but you get the idea. At this point the Democratic contest kind of got ugly. Prompting this speech from Obama.

"Senator Clinton is a capable leader.... for a girl!"

"She has some good policy ideas.....FOR A GIRL!"

"She might make a fine president.... For A GIIIIIRRRRRLLL!"

but after Clinton was misquoted as saying that all Obama could do for her was "vote for her health care plan and shine her shoes," the candidates decided to put aside their differences and run a clean campaign and let the best hypocrite or shallow snake oil salesman win.

And now onto the really crazy party. (I know, try not to cry.)

The Republicans, having forgotten that they stand for small government had also forgotten that they were once traditionally antiwar. Texas congressman Ron Paul had to remind them about Republicans opposing involvement in both World Wars and that it was Democrats who got us involved in Vietnam and a Republican (Nixon) who ended it. He then ended by quoting Reagan's autobiography where he commented on "the irrationality of middle eastern politics" and advised the U. S. to stay out of it. Having taken their lord's name in vain the crowd then stoned him to death.

Before the actual start of the primary the supposed frontrunner was Rudy Giuliani who like Hillary Clinton was competing to be the first female nominee for her party.

Ms. Giuliani then decided to wait until the other candidates had a chance to pound away at any chan ce of an early lead while the Giuliani campaign waited for Florida. This was an early look at the proposed Giuliani Iraq strategy in which U. S. troops would just allow the enemy to kill them until they got tired and gave up. Because the voters of Florida were too dense to "get it" we were denied this brilliant tacticians presence in the White House.

Also exiting early was Fred Thompson, the former Law and Order actor and Senator who quit because the job was too hard but decided to run for President once he got a load of all the vacation time Bush got.

In a shocking twist just in time for sweeps Thompson was run out of the campaign being picketed by angry protestors with signs that said Diane Weist Was Better! "Damn right!" Weist replied. "That's why I have two Oscars and that cocksucker doesn't even have an Emmy nomination." (Diane Weist always gets that way when she's drunk.)

Thompson's early exit disappointed many Republicans who saw him as a new Reagan only without the charisma, likeability, rapport with voters, revolutionary campaign style and visionary ideas. But everything else he had in spades. Like he was an actor and stuff.

Taking an early lead in the Republican campaign was former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee who won Iowa.

Huckabee impressed voters with both his incredible ability to lose a large amount of weight and also with his plans to make it legal to beat gay people with wooden mallets and deny mentally handicapped rape survivors abortions. He did well with voters who enjoy telling strangers how much they love Jesus and people who think science was a trick made up by the Jews.

But as his campaign continued Huckabee began to slip to a distant third. This began to make his plans to use subway spokesman Jared as a running mate and the slogan "A Sensible Meal = A Sensible Government" far less likely.

The conservative favorite was former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Romney impressed voters with his success as a businessman despite the handicap of having both a father and grandfather who were millionaires. Also, he looked and sounded just like a news anchor and those are people you can trust. He also was strong on his core issues which matched those of whatever state he happened to be campaigning in at the time.

Romney dropped out of the race and pledged his support to John McCain to keep the inevitable outcome of Hillary being traded to the Saudis for three camels or "secret Muslim" Obama infiltrating the government.

This left clear sailing for McCain.

Despite being a rare Republican who understood concepts like reducing spending before cutting taxes and political compromise right wing pundits began to attack McCain for not being conservative enough. Pundit and professional dominatrix Ann Coulter even said she would campaign for Clinton if McCain received the nomination. She had decried McCain in her previous best seller Liberals are Really Stupid the Men Have Small Penises and the Women's Vaginas are Inside Out. It's Disgusting You Don't Even Want to Think About It.

Refusing to drop out Mike Huckabee continued to campaign until McCain got the nomination but even having Chuck Norris rip the hearts out of Mexicans live on stage could not help him. After securing the nomination, McCain showed some of the "maverick" political style by aligning all his beliefs with those of President Bush who he had been opposing most of the past eight years.

With the Republican race locked up, the Democrats continued to show how they would bring hope to America by throwing a hissy fit over the fact that Ralph Nader had announced his candidacy.

Since American politics consists of two teams, The Yankees and The Red Sox, the Democrats viewed Nader's 2000 campaign as the fan who reached over the wall catching a likely out and turning it into a homerun. Never mind that the people voting for Nader were so disgusted with Al Gore and George Bush they'd rather vote for someone they knew couldn't win. Never mind the idiots who wanted to vote for Gore but because they can't read unknowingly voted for Pat Buchanan. (You have to know you're voting for Pat Buchanan. If you listen closely you can hear the angels weep.)

The Dems had previously shown their stupidity by denying both Florida and Michigan the use of their delegates for moving their primary. This ended up fucking them in the ass since their race was almost virtually deadlocked. This resulted in Michigan and Florida both requesting "do-overs" in which their delegates count.

"Rules are rules," said party chairman Howard Dean. "I mean, it's not like Michigan and Florida are states we'll need in the general election. When did Florida decide anything? Now if you excuse me I have to go and trash a humanitarian consumer advocate whose dedicated his whole life to helping people and decide which self serving egomaniac we're going to nominate."

Here you go. I think you need this.

..>..>..> ..>

..> de·moc·ra·cy [ di mókr?ssee ] (plural de·moc·ra·cies)

noun

Definition:

1. free and equal representation of people: the free and equal right of every person to participate in a system of government, often practiced by electing representatives of the people by the majority of the people

Does nobody else see that it's the party that emphasizes Democracy is the one who punishes states by nullifying their delegates and has super delegates that aren't beholden to the voters? It's almost like they don't really trust the people or something.

This is why we need a strong third party candidate to run. I've talked about him before but it's time we start pressuring Gary Coleman to throw his hat into the ring.

Whatchu talkin' 'bout America!