I wasn't supposed to do a hatchet job.  At least that's what I told myself when I was asked to attend the John McCain rally on August 29^th and contribute an article on the subject.  My only real instructions were "don't look like a protestor" which left my initial decision to wear my black beret out of the question.  "You're going to make fun of it aren't you?" my girlfriend, a libertarian who plans to vote for McCain, asked. 

            Well, no, I wasn't planning on it.  I know this may be a little hard to believe. I was leaning toward voting for Obama in November but this was merely a symbolic protest to the current U. S. foreign policy.  I actually voted for McCain in the 2000 primary and even though he has been spouting some terrifying far right viewpoints I don't think any of this crap would make it into actually presidential policy.  In short, it's just patter for the rubes.  Obama is likely to infuriate me and please me in equal measure to McCain and both men will be stuck playing clean up in the mess that Bush has made.  I have become so detached from the election at this point that I regard it like I would regard a hard fought World Series contest where it's a real shame that one of these guys has to go home a loser.  

            So I promised her I would not do a "hatchet job" and set out to write something that at least tried to be fair.  

            I got my first real test at trying not to make easy Republican jokes before I even got to the rally.  When somebody from the website brought me the tickets he angrily informed me that a man in front of him in line had said, "If the other guy wins I think it's time for another assassination."  I had known this wasn't going to be easy but I had only the vaguest idea how hard it was really going to be.

 ..

            In 1996 I attended a Bob Dole rally.  Then even diehard Republican knew that Dole had no chance of winning so that event was like a wake in which all the mourners agreed to pretend that the departed was still alive.  The McCain rally would prove to be a totally different animal.  A wounded one, who was willing to claw and fight with all he had for the slightest chance of survival.  

            I walked from the main campus of Wright State University toward The Nutter Center and a student on a bicycle glided past me on the road and came to a sudden stop.  "What's going on at The Nutter Center?"

            "McCain rally," I said it nonchalantly as if I wasn't on my way there.

            The kid made a disgusted face.  "Fuck that!" he growled and immediately biked away at what appeared to be twice his previous velocity.  I took the notebook out of my back pocket and took my first note.  

            If I was inclined to make jokes the vendors selling McCain hats in colors that included camouflage would have been too easy.  A sign I passed read: Reserve America!  No Hope!  No Change!  Nobama!  My unintentional irony meter was going through the roof.  I grit my teeth as a man in an NRA hat and a greasy looking guy in a Mitt Romney t-shirt began to argue over a "fair tax" flyer they had both received.  "This is more of a Democrat thing," one was saying.  "It isn't affiliated with McCain."  Why would people this stupid even be motivated to vote in the first place?

            In desperation, I called over a young 16 year old McCain volunteer named Nelson who was passing by.   He had volunteered his time because McCain would, "curb the big spending ways of both the Bush administration and the Democrats had indulged in."  Finally I had found somebody who wasn't a cartoon character.  

            "What do you plan to do after college?" I asked him.  

            "I want to go into business."

            "What kind?"

            He shrugged his shoulders.  "It doesn't matter as long as there is a lot of money in it.  I just want to be in the business of making money."  I arched an eyebrow as he began to launch into a speech on the virtues of greed that were equal parts Ayn Rand and Gordon Gecko.  

            I flipped my notebook closed.  "Thanks," I said and forced a smile.  

            All I needed was to be able to talk to one person who wasn't crazy.  The problem is that most of the Republican base is completely dominated by "the three I's" of ignorance, intolerance and indifference.    These three traits account for ninety percent of the people who identify themselves strongly with the party.  

            A pretty 18 year old girl named Jessica, dressed in what looked like her church Sunday best, was practically in tears while she explained to me that McCain could stop abortion in this country.  A middle aged black woman named Lucinda seemed reasonable until she informed me that Islam is a religion of violence and that Obama was a "muslim sympathizer."  It was at this point that I began to question the value of doing anymore interviews.  

            The program began with a ridiculous pump up in which every prominent Ohio Republican was paraded out to praise McCain.  Obama bashing was also prominent.  When Al Gore, John Kerry and the DNC got mentions there were boos from the crowd.  It was like being at a pep rally when the rival team was mentioned.  I was most disgusted by the elaborate sports metaphors that explained how we were "The Republican Team" and an opening prayer which made three mentions of "our lord" which showed these guys weren't even going to pretend that they didn't represent both a Christian and Protestant agenda.  If you don't fall into that category what are you doing here anyway?

            McCain was late making this pump up even worse.  This meant we had to listen to a horrible post-grunge band plug their CD and be entertained by the McCain cheerleaders.  As I sat there I turned to my left and saw an older man in a suit and tie reading the Wall Street Journal and then to my right a woman wearing camo pants and hogging all of three teeth to herself was dancing to the bland rock music.  I chuckled at the thought that the Democratic Party has always prided themselves on diversity but they apparently had nothing on "The Republican Team."  

            If I were John McCain I'd begin every speech with "George W. Bush can suck my cock!"   That was practically the speech McCain gave at the RNC where he told the Republican faithful that the party had lost its way.  People seem to forget, on both sides of the aisles, that McCain was one of Bush's harshest critics between 2000 and 2004.  Ask any Democrat and they'll tell you that John McCain is simply four more years of George W. Bush, forgetting that in 2004 there was talk of trying to get McCain as John Kerry's running mate.

            This is why I really hate the Obama supporters on equal measure to the crazy Republican base.  A lone protestor chanted "McCain equals war!" when he finally came out to speak that night in The Nutter Center.  Only a partisan nutcase can deny that McCain has helped stabilize Iraq making it possible for us to leave by our 2011 deadline.  The war in Iraq is irrelevant at this point.  If we must think about foreign policy at all we should focus on Iran, Russia and China all countries we could find ourselves in military conflict with in the next four years if we don't put the right person in office.  Harping on our failures in Iraq both unfairly saddles McCain with the mistakes perpetrated by Bush and is as simplistic a mindset as the one Americans who supported the war in Iraq had. 

            McCain didn't give a speech that day but he did introduce his running mate.  When he said he was proud to announce "on the anniversary of women's suffrage" the crowd exploded.  Months ago somebody had asked me who I thought Obama should pick as a running mate and if you switched the politics from right to left Sarah Palin was my exact description.  Most of the best lines from her speech then were reused at the RNC but after spending a couple hours listening to mind numbing conservative bullshit I was totally captivated by the woman.  McCain had managed to find a woman who had all the qualities that Obama had as a politician, a much harder task than Obama picking Joe Biden a senate veteran with McCain level experience.

            As people shuffled out after Palin's speech I heard an elderly couple murmur, "after what they did to Hillary."  When Obama picked Joe Biden I already had thought his choice was a mistake.  Biden is a pompous ass most of the time and no matter what his virtues are voters hate this quality, especially in Democrats.  I immediately called Fish and Chip News editor Lee Jacobs.

            "Have you heard?"

            "Yeah, I'm glad I sent you."  He then told me a humorous story about how the national news had broken in while he watched television and in the middle the local news broke in interrupting the national news break.  "What do you think of her?"

            The whole time she had been speaking I'd only been thinking one thing.  "Obama's fucked!" I said. 

            When I did my research on Sarah Palin I found a lot to criticize.  While mayor and Governor she had tried to ban books from public libraries, wanted to teach creationism in schools and opposes abortion even in cases of rape and incest.  Socially, like many Republicans, she is my worst nightmare but economically like few Republicans these days, she's my dream come true.   She has all the qualities that has made McCain a media darling while having the charisma and charm that have made Obama beloved by the press.  I expected the press to love her.  I was completely shocked with the kind of hateful torrent of bashing she has received.  I looked in disbelief at a lefty who said "she can't even control a teenager" at the news that her seventeen year old daughter was pregnant.

            Excuse me?  Control a teenager?  Anybody who has been around teenagers let alone raised one or say been one (that should be most of you) knows that controlling a teenager is like bull riding.  I'd rather deal with the Iraqi insurgence any day.  If the press or the Democrats wants to criticize Palin maybe they should focus on things that are actually true (there are a bunch of them), aren't extremely petty (anything about her as a mother is vicious, stupid and often sexist)  or can also be directed at Obama (in experience, having "iffy friends") .  No wonder McCain is closing the gap and will probably be taking the lead here shortly on his way to the White House.  This is yet another case of Democrats snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. 

            I watched the fourth day of the RNC with a friend who has heavy socialist leaning and even he said McCain's speech was so good it was going to put him over the top.  While pundits like Rush Limbaugh wonder "whose side he's on" McCain was up there grabbing back every independent, right leaning moderate and libertarian he had lost by pandering to the base during the primaries.  Who cares if he pisses off the base because after rubbing shoulders with these people I know they won't vote for Obama for any reason.  Meanwhile Palin is pounding Obama on his experience ("being a mayor is like being a community organizer except you have actual responsibilities") with the same viciousness as Hillary Clinton but twice the finesse.

 Do something you fucking pussy!  You're running for president!

            To tell the truth I still don't know who I'm voting for. I've thought about saying fuck it and voting for Bob Barr. I think an Obama presidency will have at least as many missteps as the first Clinton term did the first few years and a McCain presidency will almost be a stamp of approval on Bush's disastrous foreign policy.  I'm leaning toward Obama while my girlfriend is voting for McCain which makes our votes cancel each other out. 

            "Why don't we just stay home?"

            "No, you'll sneak out and vote anyway."

            "I wouldn't do that." 

             (She gives me a long, penetrating stare.)  "How about we switch votes?  You vote for McCain and I'll vote for Obama."

            "I'm not falling for that one."  (thinks for a minute)  "I'm really on the fence about it though.  You could probably convince me to vote McCain.  I'm sure there are things you could do."

            (smiles coyly)  "I'm sure there are."

             YES!!!

            "But I wouldn't want to influence your vote that way." 

            DAMMIT!!!

            So I still remain on the fence but slightly leaning Obama's way.  Unless of course my girlfriend decides to compromise her integrity; then Obama you're on your own.