FDR’s first vice president, John Nance Garner, famously said of the vice presidency that its value was less than “a bucket of warm piss.” Later he would up the ante by referring to the journalists who sanitized the quote by substituting the word “spit” for the more offensive fluid as “pantywaists.” While he was certainly justified in this second quotation, was he right in his first? I wonder if Harry Truman shared this view when the old man kicked the bucket. Think about this: of the nation’s forty-three Presidents, nine have been succeeded (eight by death, one by resignation) by their vice presidents during their term. That’s about twenty percent! According to a recent NYU survey, the same percentage of students would trade their vote for an ipod. Coincidence? Ha!

            This election we’ve got a black guy running against a really old guy for the presidency. Their potential assassins being racist yokels and God, respectively, we are perhaps looking at a better than usual chance to see one of their veeps take the helm.

            What might be the appropriate criteria for a vice presidential candidate? Basically anything besides their positions on issues. Presidential candidates are supposed to choose someone different in very unimportant ways from themselves. George H.W. Bush chose Dan Quayle because he was very much younger than himself. He was also made to look like the smartest man alive next to Quayle who had problems spelling common words such as potato. George W. Bush took on board Dick Cheney who unlike himself, actually seemed to have the skills at least to pass an elementary social studies class. Kennedy took on southern Democrat L.B.J., because while J.F.K. was a master of influencing society through communications with the masses, L.B.J. could influence powerful men in person, usually by intimidating them with his exposed cock. Also they were from different parts of the country. This is given absurd weight. In 1992 Jesse Jackson criticized Bill Clinton’s choice of Al Gore- both southern moderate Democrats- saying: “It takes two wings to fly, and here you have two wings of the same kind.”  So are there good reasons to choose or not to choose a given v.p. candidate? Just for shits and giggles (and a certain morbid curiosity) let’s take a look!

SARAH PALIN: GOVERNESS- ALASKA

RUNNING MATE OF JOHN McCAIN

ADVANTAGES FOR McCAIN

1. Sara Palin has a vagina.

Therefore, Hillary Clinton supporters can vote for a woman after all. Also, this steals some thunder from the historic candidacy of Obama.

2. Hey, remember me? I’m John McCain.

McCain, until now, received only slightly more media attention than Bob Barr. If you don’t know who that is, it’s probably for the best. Also- probably not a coincidence that he announced Palin the day after Obama’s historic DNC acceptance speech.

3. An easy three-pointer.

Basketball playing Palin can deliver to McCain the mighty three electoral votes of her incredibly sparsely populated tundra state. Of course, Alaska’s vote has gone to a democratic candidate less than any other state.

4. She is sexy.

Like many of the points the McCain campaign would like to make with the choosing of Palin, this one is designed to nullify Obama’s coolness.

5. She gives good oral.

Once again, this will combat Obama’s famously skilled oratory. Her speech at the RNC made Obama’s look downright timid.

6. John McCain cannot be killed.

The issue of Palin becoming president can go  either way. Yes he’s old, but history shows one thing: John McCain is a tough motherfucker who cannot be killed.

7. Late nights in the oval office.

You know you’d like to be pulling an all-nighter with this lady. Admit it.

PROBLEMS FOR McCAIN

1. She might not be ready for the presidency. 

John McCain is likely unkillable, but then again, he’s old as hell.

2. Holding the Neolithic “abstinence only” sex-ed policy banner is one thing…

…unless your daughter somehow undermines you. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth.

3. Alaska is a shitty state.

That’s right, motherfuckers. We are so tired of hearing political intros like “Now, from the great state of_______.” Not all states   are great. Some just suck. One example? Alaska.

4. She has a secret love of porking.

The unquestionably most famous earmark of all time, the “bridge to nowhere” was due to come to her state. She told  the RNC she said “thanks but no thanks” But she kept the fucking  money!

5. Sarah who?

The choice of Palin was so unexpected and perhaps risky that it makes the McCain campaign look scared and desperate for attention and press. But it will probably work.

6. Are you experienced?

Mayor of a small town of- according to our research- mostly polar bears, eskimos, and Northern Exposure extras, then Governor of slightly more populous entire state. Her relative inexperience seems to conflict with the major argument against Obama’s electability.

7. No scrutiny.

Her record and personal life will be combed over, but sixty days out from her potential election to the nation’s number two position, she has yet to be interviewed in the national press. She hasn’t had any unscripted public moments. For all we know she could be as fun as Biden.

JOE BIDEN: SENATOR- DELAWARE

RUNNING MATE OF BARACK OBAMA

ADVANTAGES FOR OBAMA

1. Joe Biden is old.

Presumably this will compensate for Obama’s perceived youth. Biden has been in the Senate for a long time.

2. He comes from a geographically disparate region.

This is very important according to conventional wisdom. Why?Ask Jesse Jackson.

3. Sheer whiteness.

Obama is not white, but guess what. Joe Biden is. Also, he is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.

4. Three easy electoral points.

That’s right, Biden’s home state of Delaware has the same number of electoral points as Alaska. If a candidate can’t deliver the votes in their home state, they just plain suck. We’re talking to you, Gore.

5. He called “bullshit”.

He’s the only politician we know of who had the gonads to publicly call Bush foreign policy what it is. In a similar moment he said of Rudy Giuliani: "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, and a verb and 9/11."

6. He is the chair of the Foreign Relations Committee. Considering the cluster of sheer fuck in the Middle East, Biden might be useful, since Obama doesn’t have squat for experience with these things. Biden knows things about the foreign world that Dick Cheney couldn’t begin to explain to W.

7. Biden, who claims roots in Scranton, has heavy blue-collar support.

The AFL-CIO gives his Senate voting record 100%. This was a group that went heavily to Hillary in the primary. And the union vote is a staple for Democrats. Unfortunately the unions are shrinking big time.

PROBLEMS FOR OBAMA

1. Joe Biden is a smug prick.

His good qualities are offset by his total lack of humility. He told a reporter who asked about his college performance: “I think I have a much higher I.Q. than you have.” Voters do not like an aloof politician. Ask Kerry. If he’s not too fucking aloof to answer.

2. His gaffes are legendary.

And yet, as Obama will soon come to regretfully realize, he is loath to shut the fuck up. Ever.

3. He’s a gutsy motherfucker.

He had the courage to boldly endorse the Bush administration’s idiotic Iraq invasion desires and then wiggle away from it. Then he favored making 3 separate countries of Iraq and wiggled away from that. Then again… (see #5 above)

4. Ready to be President?

We don’t think so. And neither do you, as multiple pathetic primary showings demonstrate.

5. Obama’s tired-ass, recycled message of “Change” doesn’t seem to mesh here.            

When Biden first went to work in Washington, McCain was still seventy days short of release from his POW camp. That’s what a Washington institution Biden is. You’re running on change?

6. He received five deferments during Vietnam.

Finally getting out because of a long passed bout of asthma. We would’ve done the same thing. Again, this doesn’t conflict with Palin, except to contrast him with unquestionable war hero McCain.

7. Obama needs Biden to help him with the Catholic vote.

He lost these voters to Clinton handily. But Biden, who stated that he believes life begins at conception, does not favor overturning Roe. The Church will publicly spank him for that one. Kerry, anyone?  

Actually, after considering these things, we feel doubtful about the whole process. About both ends each ticket. We don’t want to vote for anybody. How can we decide?